Why Do We Keep Holding Ourselves in Second Place?

Have you ever caught yourself stepping back from your own space, even when deep down you know you deserve it? I had one of those eye-opening moments in the most unexpected place—a dream.

In the dream, I was wrapped in the arms of someone I’m attracted to (not a huge crush or anything, just that warm, comfortable connection). He held me close, and for a moment, everything felt right. There was intimacy, belonging – a kind of peace that felt like it was mine to keep.

But then, out of nowhere, she appeared. His girlfriend. (I’m not even sure if this guy has a girlfriend in real life – but you know how dreams play tricks on you.) And just like that, I smiled, stood up, and gave up my spot. Without thinking twice, I let go of that moment, like I didn’t deserve to stay.

When I woke up, the question hit me hard: Why did I let go so easily?

Why do we give up on things that feel good or right for us, even when no one asks us to?

This dream was more than just a random story – it was a reflection of how we act in real life. How often do we step aside, settle for second place, or give up what’s meant for us, simply because we don’t believe we deserve it? Whether it’s a promotion at work, a creative project we never share, or even personal boundaries we never assert, we play small.

And why? Because somewhere along the way, we were taught that it wasn’t our place to claim those things. We were conditioned to believe we’re not enough – that taking up space isn’t meant for us.

But here’s the truth: You deserve to take up space. You deserve to have things that are yours, without feeling guilty or stepping aside to make room for someone else. It’s not selfish to recognize your worth and honor what feels right for you.

We all have that voice in our head that tells us to shrink, to stay quiet, to not be a “burden.” But the reality is, if you don’t claim what’s meant for you, who will? No one is going to hand you permission to take up space. You have to give it to yourself.

So, how do we stop holding ourselves in second place? How do we stop giving up what feels good, what’s meant for us?

Here’s something that’s been working for me:

– Pause and reflect.
When you catch yourself shrinking or stepping aside, stop for a moment. Ask yourself: Is this what I really want? Or am I just doing what I’ve always done?

– Feel the discomfort.
Pay attention to your body. Where do you feel tension when you’re about to give up your space? Is it in your chest, your stomach, your throat? Breathe into that space. Let yourself feel the discomfort and sit with it.

– Stay with it.
Don’t run. Don’t give up your place. Stay. Claim what’s yours, even if it feels unfamiliar or uncomfortable. Remind yourself that you deserve this space, this moment, this opportunity.

It’s a process, but it’s a necessary one. The more I practice it, the more I realize how often I was stepping aside without even questioning it. And now, every time I feel that urge to shrink, I pause, breathe, and hold my ground.

Because I’m learning that I don’t have to be second. And neither do you.

So, what about you? Where are you holding yourself in second place? What would happen if you stopped? Hit me up to share your thoughts on this. 

Pats,
Anya 🫰🏽